8 Weird Bible Characters

I’ve probably read the Bible 2-3 times in college and just out of interest. I don’t read for religious guidance, but because there is some crazy stuff in there. The stories you don’t regularly hear are always the best, and some seem more like a King Arthur story or a Greek myth than a Sunday school tale. With a wealth of crazy stories, characters and sayings, I’m sure this will be one of many bible posts. Below are eight of the weirdest characters I’ve come across in the Bible. Enjoy.

8. King Eglon of Moab

In Judges 3:12 readers learn that the Israelites have been conquered by the tyrannical Eglon, King of Moab. What’s weird is what God does to this guy. He sends the Israelites Ehud, a left-handed Jewish assassin. Ehud delivers a tribute to Eglon and then dismisses everyone from the royal chamber so he and the king can have some private time (not sure how he pulled that one off). He walks up to Eglon and promptly stabs him in the gut. The Bible says that the blade got sucked into his fat and the King fell to the ground and died. Now you’d think the guards would come in, catch Ehud and kill him on the spot right? Wrong. Ehud just walks out and locks the door. When the servants notice the door is locked, the figure the king must be taking a bath. By the time they realize their mistake, Ehud and the Israelites are celebrating off in the mountains.

7. Korah

Korah appears in the book of Numbers where he is starting a rebellion…against the laws of temple labor. He and his followers are demanding that Moses allow them to work in the sacred area of the Temple. Moses, Aaron (Moses’ brother and the guy who does get to go in the sacred area of the temple) and God all have a huge problem with this so they hatch a plan. They seclude Korah, his followers and their families from the rest of the Israelites and then God opens up the earth and swallows all of them and their stuff. Harsh, but I guess that’s what happens when you want to work in the temple too much.

6. Og

OGGGGGGG! This guy just sounds like a troll. Oddly enough, he seems to have been the size of one. Everyone knows about Moses and his journey to the promised land. What most people skip in their Sunday school classes (which is probably a good call) is the fact that the promised land was inhabited by giants before the exiled Israelites got there. Og was King of these giants and the Bible (strangely) gives the dimensions of Og’s bed. They claim it was 13ft long and 6ft wide. That is a very strange detail to just throw in there, but it’s there so that’s what we’re going with. What happens to the giants you ask? God helps the Israelites to eradicate them entirely and take their land. Sounds a little familiar.

5. Cain’s Wife

Not a whole lot to say about this one. Adam and Eve are first people so they get a free pass on the whole weird, implied incest of the early biblical genealogies. They have three kids early on; Abel, Cain and then Seth. Abel gets killed, Cain gets banished and Seth is basically a footnote. What’s strange is that Cain has descendant’s, therefore he needed a wife or partner to have these kids with. My question is where the hell is this woman supposed to have come from? This is just one of those stories that just doesn’t make an ounce of sense, but is just glossed over or ignored by most readers.

4. Jezebel

Jezebel herself isn’t that weird. She is an evil queen figure who is trying to get her husband Ahab, king of Israel, to abandon the worship of Yahweh. Elijah, a prophet, shows up and proves God’s power by summoning fire or something and Jezebel is shamed. For whatever reason, the authors found it necessary to kill Jezebel off in an incredible morbid way. The Israelites send an assassin who order’s Jezebel’s servants to throw her out of a window. Once she hits the ground, he tramples her with his horse and then her body is allowed to be eaten by dogs. I will note that this scene was depicted in one my bible movies as a kid (it was not shown, but implied by barking and screaming), and while I can not remember a word cartoon Jesus said to me, I will always remember that scene in my VHS bible video.

3. Elisha

This guy is the man. He was Elijah’s successor and another Israelite prophet. Apparently, Elisha was bald and very sensitive about it. There is a story in Kings where Elisha is getting harassed by some kids. They are calling him bald and Elisha, being a grown man, does what any grown man would do. He calls a curse on them in the name of the Lord. I guess God owed him one because he sends two she-bears (worst kind of bears if you ask me) and they tear 42 of the kids to pieces. Sounds like a totally reasonable reaction to some kids calling one of your employees bald.

2. Nephilim

These are some of my favorite. I stumbled across this term when I was doing some reading for an Ancient Religions & Philosophies class. The passage reads like this,

“Now it came about, when men began to multiply on the face of the land, and daughters were born to them, that the sons of God saw that the daughters of men were beautiful; and they took wives for themselves, whomever they chose. Then the LORD said, “My Spirit shall not strive with man forever, because he also is flesh; nevertheless his days shall be one hundred and twenty years.” The Nephilim were on the earth in those days, and also afterward, when the sons of God came in to the daughters of men, and they bore children to them. Those were the mighty men who were of old, men of renown.”

I’ve read a number of explanations for this passage. Most try to claim that we are all sons of God so the guys that made the Nephilim were just men and the Nephilim themselves are nothing special. Nothing weird going on at all. However, if you read the passage they are obviously not men (God’s “Spirit shall not strive with men forever”). I don’t know why the idea of a race of supermen running around is so offensive to all these Judeo-Christian theologians. Personally, I think its kind of cool.

1. Talking Donkey

Another Bible video classic. Balaam is a diplomat riding to an important meeting. While on the road he comes upon an angel who is startled and draws its sword. The donkey Balaam is riding can see the angel, but Balaam himself cannot. The donkey lies down instead of passing the angel and Balaam proceeds to beat the shit out of it three times. The angel finally allows the donkey to speak and he and Balaam have a very passive aggressive talk about why Balaam is such an asshole. Then the angel appears and chastises Balaam for hitting the donkey and tells him that if the donkey had not stopped, the angel would have killed Balaam. Why would the angel kill him? No idea, but close call for Balaam and good call donkey.

Thanks for reading one of our more popular lists. Hope you enjoyed. If you are interested in other topics in the realm of religion and mythology, check out Nine Gods of the Egyptian Pantheon, 9 Obscure Native American Mythological Figures and 9 Incredible Mosques from Around the World.

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